#57 (ENG): Open Up Without Breaking Up: Relationship Design with @allyiseman

DEEP&DIRTY Chat! Lisa Opel and Ally Iseman on Rethinking Monogamy, Redefining Commitment & Getting Uncomfortable (On Purpose).

Jul 16, 2025

Transcript

🔗🌟Rethinking Monogamy, Labels & Love with Ally Iseman

What if the problem isn't your relationship—but the blueprint you inherited?

Monogamy isn’t broken. But for a lot of people, it’s not exactly working either. The scripts we’re handed—commit, merge, suppress, stay—don’t leave much room for nuance, growth, or honest desire. And when things feel off, the only solutions we’re given are “try harder” or “break up.”

Enter: Ally Iseman, certified relationship coach, non-monogamy educator, and the genius behind Passport2Pleasure. In this week’s episode of DEEP & DIRTY, we talk about designing your relationships with intention, why “opening up” isn’t a last resort but a radical invitation, and how discomfort isn’t a red flag—it’s the beginning of a real conversation.

Relationship Design Isn’t Just for Non-Monogamists

Most couples are following invisible rules they never agreed to:

Sex should stay the same forever
Jealousy means something’s wrong
Discomfort = danger
If it’s hard, it’s over

But what if your relationship could evolve as you do?

Ally introduces relationship design as a way to break out of default mode and start creating agreements, dynamics, and connection styles that actually work for you. Whether you’re exploring polyamory, negotiating a threesome, or just realizing that “date night” doesn’t cut it anymore—this episode is packed with the tools and mindset shifts to help you move forward consciously.

Real Talk: Why So Many People Get Non-Monogamy Wrong

We get into the juicy and the messy:

The difference between boundaries, rules, and agreements—and why it matters
Why jealousy isn’t the enemy, but a mirror
The myth of the “perfect time” to open up
How to avoid using non-monogamy as a distraction from deeper relationship work
Why most people are already in non-monogamous relationships… just not consensually

If you’ve ever said, “I don’t want to hurt my partner… but I also want more”—you’re not alone. And you’re not broken. You’re human. Ally reminds us that discomfort is part of growth, and healing doesn’t mean never being triggered again—it means choosing how you respond.

You Don’t Need a Unicorn. You Need a Plan.

Whether it’s group sex, parallel relationships, or simply wanting to feel seen again, non-monogamy gets reduced to wild sex and poor decisions in mainstream narratives. Ally reframes it as a practice. A skill set. A mirror.

This episode offers clarity for couples asking questions like:

Are we ready to open up?
What do we actually want?
How do we move at different paces without snapping the elastic between us?
Can we try this without blowing up our foundation?

Yes. But only if you're willing to get honest, stay curious, and keep showing up.

About Ally Iseman

Ally Iseman (she/her) is a writer, ICF Certified Relationship Coach, sex-positive educator, and the founder of the inclusive relationship resource platform Passport2Pleasure. Since 2016, she’s been helping couples open up without breaking up, hosting immersive play parties around the world, and speaking on non-monogamy, consent, and inclusive relationship design.

She’s been featured in The New York Times, Cosmopolitan, Well+Good, Yahoo!, and more, and offers a range of coaching, courses, and free tools for the curious and committed alike.

Explore more from Ally:
💻 Website: passport2pleasure.com
🧠 Take the Relationship Ratio Quiz: passport2pleasure.com/ratio
📘 Get your Big Why Workbook: passport2pleasure.com/bigwhy
📺 YouTube: @passport2pleasure
📬 Substack: allyiseman.substack.com
📱 Instagram: @passport2pleasure | @allyiseman