Why I believed I didn’t deserve love and how I’m proving myself wrong
The surprising way I am discovering my self-worth after a lifetime of feeling 'not enough'
For years, I’m a diligent student of love. I read the books, listen to the podcasts, and swallow those sweet little affirmations whole, hoping they’ll fill the hollow spaces in me. “You are enough,” they say. “You are worthy of love just as you are.” And I nod along like a bobblehead, repeating these words to myself in the mirror. But deep down, I know I’m not convinced. Words are easy, but believing them when they clash with the core wounds of your past? That’s a whole other beast.
The Hidden Scars of Narcissistic Abuse
You see, I’m not just grappling with the usual doubts about self-worth. My struggle with self-love is rooted in something deeper—narcissistic abuse. Living under the shadow of someone else’s distorted reflection for so long, I learn to doubt my feelings and mistrust my instincts. Narcissistic abuse is a masterclass in emotional manipulation, where you’re conditioned to ignore your own needs, question your reality, and feel guilty for taking up space.
"The greatest act of self-love is to recognize the shadows that hide our light." —Julien Blanc
Julien Blanc talks a lot about shadow work—the process of uncovering and integrating the hidden parts of ourselves that we’ve been taught to reject. For me, these shadows are the beliefs I have internalized: that I am unworthy, that I am to blame for everything, and that if I ever stop giving, I won’t be loved. Narcissistic abuse teaches me that my worth is tied to how much I can give and how little I can need. I feel like I am always too much and yet never enough.
"If I Stop Giving, I Won’t Be Loved"
These beliefs run like a constant script in my mind. I believe I have to give endlessly to be worthy of love. My needs? They are always secondary, or so I think. I’m convinced that if I ever stop giving, I will lose the love and acceptance I so desperately seek. I have no boundaries, and I feel like I am taking up too much space in every relationship. I become a chameleon, always adjusting to what I think others want, never recognizing that I have a right to exist as I am.
Fact Check: Survivors of narcissistic abuse often struggle with setting boundaries and may feel they need to overextend themselves to maintain relationships, leading to chronic self-neglect.
Uncovering the Shadows: The Work of Healing
It isn’t until I begin trauma therapy that I start to see the full extent of the damage. Therapy, much like shadow work, becomes my space to dig deep into the parts of myself I have kept hidden. I have to confront my shadows—the parts of me that feel ashamed, guilty, unworthy, and unloved. As Julien Blanc suggests, "Shadow work is the act of making the unconscious conscious." I have to face the buried beliefs that tell me I am to blame for my own pain.
"Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light." —Brené Brown
I learn that these shadows aren’t my true self but parts of me that have been distorted by years of emotional manipulation. Therapy teaches me to recognize my feelings as valid and my needs as important. I realize that I have spent so much of my life trying to be what others wanted that I lost sight of who I am and what I need.
The Power of Boundaries and Self-Worth
One of the most profound lessons I learn in this process is the importance of boundaries. Terri Cole, a psychotherapist and author, says, “The most loving thing you can do for the people in your life, and for yourself, is to learn how to set and maintain healthy boundaries.” For someone like me, who has never been allowed to have boundaries, this is revolutionary. Boundaries become the scaffolding on which I rebuild my self-worth.
Without boundaries, I realize I am living in a constant state of anxiety and insecurity, always afraid of losing love and never feeling safe within myself. Learning to set boundaries feels like reclaiming my space, my voice, and my right to exist as I am. It is about saying, “This is where I end, and you begin.” It is about finally recognizing that my worth isn’t tied to how much I give but to who I am.
Reclaiming My Right to Feel
In therapy, I start to unravel these deeply ingrained beliefs. I realize I’ve been living with a constant fear of what people think of me, convinced they are talking behind my back, thinking that everyone would be better off if it wasn’t for me. These thoughts aren’t just untrue; they are cruel. And the person being the cruelest? Me.
"The biggest lie we fall for is that we are not good enough. It's time to see through the illusion." —Paulo Coelho
I have been too hard on myself for far too long. Therapy becomes a place where I can begin to soften. I learn that feelings of guilt and shame have been my constant companions, but they don’t have to be. I have the right to feel my emotions, to honor them, and to not apologize for taking up space.
The Journey from Self-Doubt to Self-Love
Slowly, I begin to rebuild trust in myself. I start to recognize my feelings as valid signals, not nuisances to be ignored. I learn that it’s okay to feel angry, hurt, or scared, and that these feelings don’t make me weak or unlovable—they make me human. I start to see my emotions not as a burden but as a bridge—one that can lead me back to myself if I only dare to cross it.
I understand that my self-worth isn’t tied to how much I give or how little I need. It isn’t about how perfect I can be or how well I can avoid taking up space. My self-worth is inherent, unshakeable, even if I have never fully believed it before.
Finding Safety Within Myself
As I navigate this path, I am learning to find safety within myself. It isn’t easy—years of narcissistic abuse have left me feeling insecure and unsteady, like I could crumble at any moment. But through therapy, I build a solid foundation of self-love and self-respect. I learn that I don’t need to rely on others for validation, that I can be my own safe space.
Fact Check: Individuals who practice self-compassion and self-care can develop stronger resilience and a greater sense of self-worth, which is especially important for those recovering from abuse.
Letting Go of Guilt and Embracing Joy
One of the most profound shifts comes when I realize I can be happy for others without feeling like it diminishes my own worth. I spend so long thinking that if I am not the best, the most giving, the most understanding, then I am nothing. But the truth is, I can celebrate others and still love myself. I can take up space and still be worthy of love. I can set boundaries and still be a good person.
I am learning to let go of the guilt that has weighed me down for so long. I am learning that I don’t have to carry the burden of everyone else’s happiness on my shoulders. And for the first time in a long time, I am starting to feel a lightness, a sense of joy that’s just for me.
Choosing Myself, Every Day
Allowing myself to feel loved means embracing all the messy, imperfect parts of me that I used to hide away. It means standing up to the internal critic, the one who mimics the voices of the past, and saying, “Not today. Today, I choose me.” It’s about recognizing that love isn’t a reward to be earned but a birthright to be claimed.
This work is ongoing. It never truly ends; it just evolves. As I continue this journey of self-discovery, I am learning that doing this deep inner work allows me to form more spiritual and connected relationships with those I love. It helps me show up authentically, without the weight of my shadows dictating my worth.
It’s a journey, this self-love thing—more marathon than sprint, with plenty of hills and valleys along the way. But here’s what I’ve come to realize: I am worth it. I am worth the hard work, the uncomfortable conversations with myself, and the commitment to healing. I am worth the love I’ve been so willing to give others and so hesitant to accept for myself. And if you’ve ever felt this way—like you’re not quite sure how to let yourself be loved—I’m here to tell you that you’re worth it, too.
So here I am, still on that bridge, feeling the wind in my hair and the tremble in my knees. But for the first time, I’m not afraid to look down. Because I know that no matter how far I have to go, I’m on my way. And that, my friends, is the most loving thing I can do for myself.
