The Ultimate Guide to Getting What You Actually Want in Bed
Tired of just going along with whatever happens in bed? Here’s how to finally ask for what you really want; without the awkwardness, shame, or second-guessing.
Tired of settling for meh sex when you know it could be so much better? It’s time to stop hoping your partner magically reads your mind and start asking for exactly what you want—without the awkwardness, guilt, or second-guessing. This article will show you how to communicate your desires in a way that’s sexy, confident, and totally empowering.
Because your pleasure isn’t a bonus—it’s a requirement.
Alright, let’s get real—too many people are out here having meh sex because they’re too afraid to ask for what they actually want. And look, I get it. Society has spent way too much time making us feel guilty about desire—especially women. We’re taught to be accommodating, not demanding. To take what we get, rather than go after what we need.
But let’s be honest: good sex is not about hoping your partner magically figures out that you’d love more oral, a firmer hand on your throat, or a damn break from missionary. It’s about knowing what you want, owning it, and then—this is the big one—saying it out loud.
Sounds simple? Maybe. But if it were that easy, half the world wouldn’t be settling for barely-passable, could’ve-just-used-my-vibrator sex. So let’s fix that.
This is your step-by-step guide to asking for (and getting) exactly what you want in bed—without feeling weird, guilty, or like you’re auditioning for an off-Broadway production of Horny and Terrified.
Step 1: Get Really, Really Honest With Yourself
Before you can ask for what you want, you need to know what you want. And I don’t mean “uh, I guess I like it when they go down on me?” No, babe. We’re talking deep, delicious, specific desire.
So, ask yourself:
What are the things that make your body hum with excitement?
What fantasies do you keep to yourself because you’re too shy to say them out loud?
What parts of sex have felt good before but could be even better if they were done differently?
What turns you on just thinking about it?
If you don’t have answers yet, that’s okay! This is where self-exploration comes in. Read erotica, watch ethical porn, try different touches when you’re alone—find out what gets you wet, wild, and ready to wreck some sheets.
Because if you don’t know what you want, how is anyone else supposed to figure it out?
Step 2: Drop the Shame (Because There’s Literally No Reason for It)
Let’s be real: one of the biggest reasons people don’t ask for what they want in bed is shame. They think their desires are weird, too kinky, too out there, or that their partner will judge them.
Spoiler alert: your partner probably has their own list of things they’re afraid to say out loud, too.
Sexual desire is human. It’s messy, complicated, sometimes freaky, sometimes vanilla, and always valid. There is nothingwrong with wanting it rough, wanting to be worshipped, wanting to be tied up, or wanting to be slowly, achingly teased until you can’t take it anymore.
So, let’s practice this together:
🗣️ “My pleasure is not embarrassing.”
🗣️ “What I want in bed is normal.”
🗣️ “I deserve sex that makes me feel amazing.”
Good? Good. Now let’s get you actually asking for it.
Step 3: Speak Up, But Make It Sexy
Nobody wants a serious PowerPoint presentation mid-makeout session. (“So, if you refer to slide three, you’ll see the proper technique for going down on me…”) But that doesn’t mean you have to stay silent.
Here’s how to communicate your desires in ways that are hot instead of awkward:
🔥 During sex: Don’t wait for the post-sex recap—tell them in the moment.
“Harder.” (Simple. Effective. Sexy.)
“I want your mouth right here.” (Guidance = hot.)
“Do that again.” (Positive reinforcement, baby.)
🔥 Before sex: Sometimes, the best way to introduce something new is before the clothes come off.
“You know what I keep thinking about? You tying me up and having your way with me.” (Boom. Instant intrigue.)
“I love when you go down on me, but I’d love it even more if you did it slower.” (Encouragement, not criticism.)
“Wanna try something fun tonight?” (Low-pressure but very enticing.)
🔥 After sex: The best time to talk about what you want more of is right after you’ve just had a great time together.
“That was so hot, and you know what would make it even better?”
“Next time, I want you to pin my hands down.”
“I loved that. Wanna hear a dirty thought I had while we were doing it?”
The key? Make it feel like an invitation, not a demand. You're not saying, "Hey, you've been doing it wrong this whole time." You're saying, "I love what we do, and I want to make it even hotter."
Step 4: Be Open to Their Desires Too (Because Fair’s Fair, Babe)
If you want to be bold enough to ask for what you want, you also need to be open to hearing what they want. Because let’s be honest—sometimes we get so caught up in our own nerves that we forget: our partners have desires, too.
So after you put your requests out there, turn the tables:
“I love talking about this. Is there anything you’ve been wanting to try?”
“What turns you on the most when we’re together?”
“I want to make you feel amazing too—what’s one thing I could do to drive you wild?”
This makes it feel like a two-way street, not a selfish wishlist. And honestly? It makes everything way hotter when you’re both actively invested in turning each other on.
Step 5: Stop Settling—Your Pleasure is Worth It
Let me be crystal clear: You. Deserve. To. Have. Mind-blowing. Sex.
Not “fine” sex. Not “I guess that was okay” sex. Not “ugh, I’ll just finish myself off later” sex. Amazing, toe-curling, spine-arching, emotionally and physically fulfilling sex.
But you will never get it if you don’t start asking for it.
So next time you’re about to get naked, remember this: your desires are normal, your pleasure matters, and your partner wants to please you—they just need to know how.
Now go forth and ask for the orgasm you actually want.
