Open relationships: Why it’s not one size fits all
How to navigate different desires, emotions, and unhealed trauma in your journey together.
So, you've heard about open relationships and thought, “Wow, wouldn’t it be great to have your cake and eat it too?” But hold on to your bedposts, folks! Open relationships can be wonderful, but they are not a universal remedy for spicing up your sex life or escaping the monotony of monogamy. If you're thinking about giving it a whirl, there’s something crucial you need to know: it’s not all fun and games.
The Fantasy vs. The Reality
The fantasy of open relationships is intoxicating—freedom, excitement, endless possibilities! You picture yourself as a sexually liberated goddess, exploring new adventures without a care in the world. And, to be fair, that’s part of it. But then reality slaps you across the face like a cold shower: jealousy, insecurities, and yes, the dreaded unhealed trauma. Suddenly, you're not just managing your feelings but also navigating a minefield of your partner's emotions, expectations, and possible resentments.
Let's put it bluntly: opening up a relationship isn’t like flipping a switch. You don’t just say, “Honey, let’s see other people,” and then everything is magically fantastic. If one partner is all in but the other is grappling with old wounds and fresh anxieties, you’ve got a recipe for disaster. It’s like throwing a pool party and forgetting one of you can't swim. No amount of floaties (or flings) can save you if you're in over your head.
The Uneven Playing Field
Here’s the kicker: not all partners are going to feel the same way about opening up. One might be raring to go, while the other is quietly (or not-so-quietly) freaking out. And it’s in these mismatched moments that we have to be really careful not to fall into the trap of comparison and double standards. Your comfort zone is not necessarily your partner’s, and that’s okay. We all have different needs, different triggers, and different histories.
It’s not about accusing one another of hypocrisy—"Oh, you were fine when it was just a fantasy, but now you're losing it?"—because feelings are valid, even when they're inconvenient. Double morals—or, more accurately, double standards—can creep in when one person’s desires are prioritized over the other’s emotional well-being. Remember: if one person isn’t fully on board, the ship is gonna sail in circles.
The Big Feelings Conundrum
When it comes to big feelings, we're not just talking about being upset that your partner has a hot date. We’re talking about deep-seated emotions that bubble up from the depths of our psyches: abandonment fears, betrayal trauma, feelings of inadequacy, and more. These aren’t things you can just wish away with a pep talk or a night out on the town. They require attention, compassion, and sometimes, professional help.
If one partner is having big feelings—especially if they have unhealed trauma—pushing ahead with an open relationship might feel more like bulldozing than boundary-setting. It’s not a crime to want to explore your desires, but it is a bit reckless to do so without considering the emotional landscape you’re treading on. So, tread lightly, my friend. Remember that your partner's healing process is just as important as your newfound curiosity.
The "All Fun and Games" Myth
It’s easy to think, “Hey, let’s just try it and see what happens!” But an open relationship isn’t a casual experiment; it’s an ongoing negotiation. It’s about constant communication, setting and revising boundaries, and—let’s be real—dealing with some uncomfortable truths about yourself and your partner. It’s not “all fun and games” because people’s hearts, pasts, and psyches are on the line.
And if we’re being truly honest, not every couple will thrive in an open relationship. Some will find it exhilarating and freeing, while others might feel like they’re riding an emotional rollercoaster without a seatbelt. That’s okay! An open relationship is just one type of relationship among many. It’s not a one-size-fits-all solution, and if it’s causing more harm than joy, it might not be the right fit for you.
Before You Dive In
Before you even think about opening up, have those deep, sometimes awkward, and brutally honest conversations with your partner. Are you both on the same page, or are there unresolved issues lurking in the background? Are you both prepared to deal with the emotional fallout, both good and bad?
Ask yourselves: What are we hoping to achieve with an open relationship? Is it genuinely about exploring new connections, or is it a band-aid for something else? It’s vital to approach this with clarity, compassion, and a hefty dose of self-awareness. Because the truth is, while open relationships can offer growth, excitement, and deep personal insights, they can also magnify underlying issues faster than you can say “ethical non-monogamy.”
Final Thoughts: Navigating the Waters
In the end, remember this: relationships, open or otherwise, are about mutual respect and understanding. If one partner’s trauma or emotions are being sidelined in favor of the other's desire for freedom, it’s time to pause and reassess. You wouldn’t run a marathon on a sprained ankle, right? The same goes for jumping into an open relationship when someone isn’t emotionally ready.
Be honest, be kind, and for goodness’ sake, don’t treat this like an all-you-can-eat buffet without checking if your partner has food allergies first. Open relationships are about exploration, yes, but they should also be about ensuring both partners feel safe, loved, and heard. So, take your time, do the work, and remember: there’s no rush when it comes to matters of the heart.
AN ALLE DEUTSCHE LESER:INNEN
Am 16. September 2024 sprechen Kaiya Magdalena und Lisa Opel über Traumaheilung in Offenen Beziehungen auf JoyClub. Seid dabei! [LINK]