Life was easier as a people-pleaser - but was it better?
How saying “yes” to everyone made me forget to say “yes” to myself—and what to do about it.
How ditching people-pleasing helped me stop saying “yes” to everyone else and start saying “yes” to myself—without the guilt or the burnout.
Ah, people-pleasing. It’s like wearing a smiley face mask while running around handing out cupcakes to everyone. Cute, right? Except when you look closer, the mask is hiding a deep pool of resentment and those cupcakes are sprinkled with emotional burnout. Spoiler alert: those cupcakes are stale.
For years, I was a professional people-pleaser. If people-pleasing were an Olympic sport, I would’ve taken gold. You know the type: that girl who always says "yes" when she means "no," who agrees to dinner at a place she despises, who laughs at jokes that aren’t funny. I would go out of my way to make people comfortable, even when it left me wildly uncomfortable—because confrontation was scarier than a dark alley on Halloween. So, I did what any card-carrying people-pleaser does: I folded. Always.
And sure, life was easier. On the surface. After all, saying "yes" was less awkward than risking disappointment or conflict. And let’s be real—people love you when you’re their personal “yes-woman." You get praise, validation, maybe even a Christmas card from that colleague whose projects you’ve been bailing out. But at what cost?
The Secret Price of Pleasing People
Here’s the thing they don’t tell you about people-pleasing: it’s exhausting. Like, "try carrying everyone’s emotional baggage while running a marathon in stilettos" exhausting. And once the adrenaline wears off, you’re left feeling like a stretched-out yoga band—tense, worn out, and not particularly useful anymore.
There’s a reason for that. When you constantly prioritize other people’s needs, you neglect your own. It’s like watering everyone else’s garden while yours turns into a shriveled, parched plot of weeds. Cute garden party, but where are your flowers?
And it’s not just about being tired—it’s about forgetting who you really are. Psychologists say that chronic people-pleasing can lead to something called "self-alienation" (fancy word alert). Translation? You lose touch with your own desires, needs, and boundaries because you're so busy making sure everyone else is happy. Your whole identity gets tied up in being the "nice" person, the agreeable one, the doormat cough helper.
So, Why Do We Do It?
Blame evolution. Humans are social creatures, wired to fit in with the group. Our ancestors needed to be liked to survive—getting kicked out of the tribe back then was basically a death sentence. So, pleasing others? It’s deeply ingrained in us.
Now layer on top of that all the modern-day pressures: cultural expectations (especially for women, hello), childhood conditioning, and that ever-present desire to be seen as “good.” It’s no wonder so many of us slip into the people-pleasing trap.
Women, in particular, are often taught to value relationships and harmony above all else. It’s like we have a built-in radar for other people’s comfort and needs—and we’ve been told that putting ourselves first is “selfish.” Heaven forbid we upset anyone.
But the reality is, trying to please everyone is like trying to catch water with a sieve. It doesn’t work, and it leaves you dripping wet and unsatisfied.
Breaking Free From People-Pleasing (Without Becoming a Jerk)
Okay, so now you’re thinking, “Great, I get it, people-pleasing is bad for me—but how do I stop without morphing into a total a-hole?”
Good news: you don’t have to. You can break the cycle of people-pleasing without turning into a grumpy hermit who never lifts a finger for others. It’s all about finding balance and reconnecting with what you want and need. Here’s how:
1. Learn to Set Boundaries (And Stick to Them)
Boundaries are your new best friend. Think of them as the invisible fence that protects your personal energy, time, and sanity. Start small: the next time someone asks you for a favor, give yourself permission to pause. Take a breath. Ask yourself, “Do I really want to do this, or am I just trying to avoid disappointing someone?” Spoiler: It's usually the latter.
Pro tip: Practice saying “no” in the mirror. It sounds silly, but hearing your voice say “no” helps you get used to how it feels—and trust me, it’s not as scary as you think.
2. Stop Apologizing for Having Needs
People-pleasers tend to apologize… for everything. “Sorry I’m late.” “Sorry I didn’t reply in 0.5 seconds.” “Sorry I have needs.” The truth is, you’re allowed to take up space. You’re allowed to prioritize your own well-being. You are not an inconvenience.
Start paying attention to how often you apologize unnecessarily. Try swapping “sorry” for “thank you.” Instead of “Sorry I’m late,” try “Thank you for waiting.” Shifting your language helps shift your mindset from guilt to gratitude—and makes you less likely to feel like you’re always doing something wrong.
3. Embrace Your Inner Flaws (AKA, Be Okay With Being Disliked)
Here’s a fun fact: not everyone is going to like you. It’s impossible. You could give someone the moon, and they’ll complain that it’s too bright. So, if you’re bending over backward to make everyone like you, you’re going to lose yourself in the process.
Instead, start embracing the messy, flawed, wonderfully human parts of yourself. Be okay with the fact that not everyone is going to vibe with you—and that’s their issue, not yours.
4. Practice Radical Self-Care
Self-care isn’t all bubble baths and face masks (although I highly recommend both). It’s about intentionally taking time to recharge and reconnect with yourself. What do you need to feel good? Maybe it’s a quiet walk, a good book, or just saying “no” to an event that drains you. Whatever it is, make it a priority—because when you start treating yourself with the kindness and care you offer others, you’ll stop feeling like a people-pleasing martyr.
The Bottom Line: Easier Isn’t Always Better
Yes, life was easier as a people-pleaser. There was less conflict, more external validation, and fewer awkward moments. But that “easier” life came with a cost: my happiness, my authenticity, and my mental health. And, honestly? I’d rather deal with a little discomfort than keep sacrificing my well-being for the sake of keeping everyone else happy.
So, to my fellow recovering people-pleasers: it’s okay to put yourself first. It’s okay to set boundaries and say “no.” It’s okay to let go of the fear that you need to make everyone happy all the time. Because the truth is, when you start prioritizing yourself, you stop losing yourself. And that, my friend, is worth all the uncomfortable “no’s” in the world.
Now, who wants a cupcake—this time with a little extra self-respect baked in?
