Don’t tell me no one will love me until I love myself
Why the “love yourself first” mantra misses the mark and what truly makes you lovable.
Tired of being told you need to “love yourself first”? Let’s unpack why that advice isn’t the full story—and why you’re already worthy of love, flaws and all.
Oh, the number of times we’ve all heard this gem: “You have to love yourself first, or no one else will.” It’s right up there with “just be yourself” and “time heals all wounds” on the list of platitudes that make you want to roll your eyes so hard they might get stuck. But let’s not mince words: this particular advice can sting. Because what it often feels like someone’s really saying is, “You’re unworthy of love until you’re perfect.”
Let me say it loud for the people in the back: That. Is. Not. True.
We’re told that self-love is some kind of magical prerequisite for romantic love, but news flash: humans are messy, complicated creatures. Nobody’s walking around with their self-esteem meter at a perfect 100%.
We all have insecurities, trauma, or days where our inner monologue is less Beyoncé, more Eeyore.
Yet love—real, messy, human love—happens anyway. Every. Single. Day.
The Myth of Self-Love as a Precondition
The idea that you need to fully love yourself before anyone else can love you implies that love is transactional or conditional. As if you need to check off some cosmic to-do list—complete with affirmations and a side of green juice—before you’re worthy of being someone’s favorite person. But that’s not how love works. Love isn’t an award you unlock after reaching Level 10 in the self-care game.
If anything, love—both giving it and receiving it—is one of the ways we heal. It’s through being cared for that we often learn to care for ourselves. A partner’s tenderness can soften the harsh edges of how we see ourselves. A friend’s encouragement can quiet the inner critic.
Sure, it’s not someone else’s job to “fix” us, but let’s not pretend we exist in emotional isolation. We grow in connection.
Why This Advice Hurts
When someone tells you that no one will love you until you love yourself, it can sound suspiciously like, “Your flaws are the reason you’re alone.” It’s not just bad advice; it’s downright cruel. Because loving yourself is hard—especially if you’ve been through experiences that have chipped away at your sense of worth.
Childhood wounds, heartbreak, societal pressure to look or act a certain way—these things don’t disappear because you took a bubble bath and wrote “I am enough” on your mirror.
And let’s be honest: this advice can also feel deeply dismissive. Imagine pouring your heart out about feeling lonely, only to have someone throw back, “Well, maybe you just don’t love yourself enough.” Thanks for the insight, Dr. Obvious. Next time, I’ll schedule a self-hug and call it a day.
Love and Imperfection Go Hand in Hand
Here’s the thing: you don’t need to have perfect self-esteem to be loved. You just need to be human. Love is about connection, vulnerability, and shared experiences—not about presenting some airbrushed version of yourself to the world.
Think about it: Have you ever loved someone despite their flaws? Maybe even because of them? Maybe you fell for someone’s nervous laugh or the way they can’t parallel park to save their life. Maybe their vulnerability made you feel safe sharing your own. Why should you be any different?
In fact, love often thrives in the spaces where we’re still learning to love ourselves. A partner might remind you of your worth when you’ve forgotten it. A friend might see your strength when all you see are cracks. It’s not about being saved or completed; it’s about being seen—messy, glorious imperfections and all.
Loving Yourself Is a Journey, Not a Destination
Don’t get me wrong: learning to love yourself is a beautiful and worthwhile pursuit. It makes life richer and relationships healthier. But it’s not a prerequisite for love. It’s a journey, one that’s often shaped by the love and connections we build along the way.
So the next time someone hits you with the old “no one will love you until you love yourself” line, feel free to respond with a polite-but-pointed, “Actually, that’s not true.”
Because you are lovable right now—exactly as you are, in all your messy, imperfect glory.
A Gentle Reminder
If you’re struggling with self-love, know this: it doesn’t mean you’re broken or unworthy. It just means you’re human. And humans? We’re wired for connection. So let love—whether it’s romantic, platonic, or the love you show to your pet every morning—be part of the process. You don’t need to have it all figured out to be deserving of love. You’re deserving just because you’re you.
And if anyone tells you otherwise? Well, maybe they’re the ones who need to learn a thing or two about love.
